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To be brief
[ OBJECTIVE ]
Dig into a subculture and find something worth talking about
[ TARGET ]
[ INSIGHT ]
People in 25+ year marriages
Happy marriages require a shared purpose bigger than the individual and the relationship
Interesting methods
News and journal articles about relationships, marriages and loneliness
Posed questions on Quora and Reddit to hear personal reactions to my research
Interviewed six couples that have been happily married for at least 25 years
Indulged in as much relationship media as I could including two seasons of 'Couples Therapy' and everything Esther Perel and Julie and John Gottman.
NOT JUST AN EXPLORATION IN RELATIONSHIPS BUT ALSO IN MYSELF
When tasked with exploring a subculture, I knew I wanted to explore something close to my heart: marriage. I grew up in a family where marriages rarely lasted more than a few years. Some people never married at all.
However, I am currently in a long term relationship and I think we both are waiting for life to stop life-ing and when we’ll feel ready for a lifelong commitment.
This research is relevant today because:
1 in 6
claim to be lonely
- IFStudies
30-44
the loneliest
age group
- Pew Research
~ 50%
- Marriage Foundation
Just over half of Gen Z are projected ever to marry, compared to 56–67% of Millennials, 62–82% of Gen X, and 77–96% of Boomers
So I had to ask: what does it actually take to make a marriage last?
SHOULD PEOPLE EVEN GET MARRIED? YES.
Marriage as a pathway to things many of us want as individuals:
Married individuals tend to have longer life expectancy, fewer strokes and heart attacks, and lower levels of depression and psychological distress than singles or divorced persons. -Harvard Health
Long-term marriages are associated with higher levels of subjective well-being and satisfaction - Harvard Health
Married couples generally earn more, manage their money better, and accumulate more assets over time. They are less likely to experience economic hardship and tend to build wealth at a faster rate than unmarried counterparts - Harvard Health
However, not all marriages last long enough to reap the benefits. In fact the average marriage only lasts 8 years barely making it out of the seven year itch. -Psychology Today
People in marriages that have lasted over 25 years have survived most major shifts. They are usually in their empty nester phase and have reaped the benefits mentioned above. - Psychology Today
GOING TO THE SOURCE:
I INTERVIEWED 6 HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLES
I interviewed six couples married for at least 25 years. I asked how they met, the twists and turns of their relationship and what it takes to stay together.
They echoed common things I had heard like:
"don't marry for potential"
What brought comfort to me was: you’ll never be ready or prepared enough to get married.
Meaning it all came down to decisions and being willing to make them together no matter what life throws at you.
"don't expect your partner to fix you"
"kids make things more complicated"
THESE COUPLES MAKE IT LOOK EASY
The decision making process was always the thing that puzzled me. The couples would say that they made this dramatic life decision and I would ask “how?” and their answers were an always nonchalant, “because we’re married and that’s what we wanted to do”
"I was like this is it. We owned a house in Hawaii, we'll retire in Hawaii. But because Marissa put her tiny little eight grade foot down."
The Prices on moving to the East Coast from Hawaii.
'I just felt like this is my and this is what I'm doing. I feel like I have a commitment to my whole family to make it work"
The Romnesses on navigating heavy strains on the relationship
I rewatched the interviews more looking for answers and found this:
Commitment is easy when two people share a purpose more important than themselves and the relationship.
INSIGHT
This explains why couples can “stay together for the kids.” However, in happy couples, the shared purpose existed long before children entered the picture.
For my couples, that purpose was proving religious differences couldn’t stop love. For others, it was prioritizing faith above everything else or breaking cycles of dysfunction within their families.
Looking at my own relationship, I’m not fully sure whether we share the same larger purpose. And maybe that uncertainty explains some of my hesitation about the future. But this research gave me something valuable:
a place to start.
Video below is my 5 takeaways from my interviews
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